Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again by Simon Okill
Awkward teen prankster, Duane Dexter, would never have guessed how much his humdrum life would change in the space of 1 year. Since his 18th birthday he inherited more money than he could spend, won the hearts of Big Beaver’s women, is hero-worshiped by every kid in town, and all due to The Elders choosing him to be Guardian of the Forest. The alien Elders love their pets – hybrid creatures known as Bigfoot – and genetically alter Duane to take on this massive task as a WereBigfoot.
Life is now perfect. Duane runs free in the forest with his hairy friends, listening to the creatures, understanding nature’s secrets with his altered 6th sense. To his astonishment, he can heal all wounds with a touch. But he can’t resist his prankster side, so he lets off steam by inflicting ludicrous pranks on the local Beaverites as Phantom Bigfoot, leaving curious evidence of Bigfoot in local bathrooms.
Then in the blink of an eye, it all changes for our hero. To his dismay, a teenager with the same prankish ways disappears, rumoured to have been taken by Bigfoot. Can Duane keep the tribe of Bigfoot a secret and protect the forest as the authorities search for the missing teenager? Or will the alien Elders come to regret their choice of Protector and banish Duane from the forest forever without his superpowers?
Welcome to Big Beaver, home of the Phantom Bigfoot Bather and his many crazy teenage friends. Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again is a ludicrously different take on Bigfoot and his habits. It quickly dispels the Hollywood b-movie version of a cannibalistic female-ravaging monster. Big Beaver’s tribe of Bigfoot is so peace-loving they sadly make easy targets for hunters.
This is where Duane-o the no-brain-o comes in. At the age of 18, Sam, his father reveals the truth of their hermit-like existence in the woods of the Shasta Cascade surrounding Big Beaver. Sam hands over the task of The Guardian to his son, also genetically altered by The Elders, tall Swedish-looking aliens from the planet Abba.
And now for one whole year, Duane has lived the life he was always meant to live – free of normal drag-me-downs that every other teenager has to endure. He has the ability to see and hear what his close friends are doing, no matter how far away they may be. He can heal with the touch of his hands, and uses this ability many times to save injured animals and the reason for his existence – Bigfoot.
But most of all, Duane loves being a WereBigfoot, to run free in the dark forest at night, play with the animals and have such fun – until that dumbass Beau Bruger, a teenage friend of his, goes missing.
Things get real tricky for our superhero, Duane-o, when Beau, the plumber’s 17 year old son goes missing, apparently abducted by Bigfoot. As if! Beau is always saying he’s been taken by Bigfoot, so no one believes he’s missing, not even his parents. 2 days pass and Duane smells a rat and she is Zola, a naughty 16 year old Bigfoot desperate for a mate. This means his closest friend, MB, local crypto-zoologist and general busybody will be sniffing around with his big nose looking for that elusive evidence – Bigfoot!
To make matters worse, Duane must also reunite two star-crossed lovers – the gorgeous Sheriff Louise Harper and the anal FBI Agent Virgil Tuckerwood. This he has to do on orders of The Elders. But on his arrival in Big Beaver, Agent Tuckerwood is all regulation and spurns Lou’s advances. Lou thinks Virgil is having a fling with his partner, the sexy Agent Merlot as she overhears them getting it on. Poor Duane is at a loss how to get them hitched, but he must succeed or The Elders might take this as a weakness on his part.
Now Duane-o has to keep the FBI and Sheriff Lou from discovering his epic secret. So he must find Beau first and keep him from revealing the truth of Bigfoot. But what Duane does discover deep in the forest is so mind-bogglingly stupid, even he can’t fix the problem.
So Duane must rely on dumb luck and the wisdom of The Elders to keep his secret a secret or he will be stripped of his superpowers and remain in Big Beaver a normal human being like every other Beaverite. Not that there are any normal Beaverites.
Not long after that it was Duane’s eighteenth birthday, and he had the shock of his life, just after his mother had left. He woke up from a night of weird visions chasing ape-like creatures in the forest. As usual he had to use the toilet. He burst into the bathroom and came to a stop. Before him, stood a Bigfoot as naked as a jaybird, but not naked. The creature was covered head to toe in long blond hair and was at least seven feet tall.
As he stared at the Bigfoot he recognized his father’s facial features.
“Dad … is that you?”
“Hello Duane … I guess it’s time I explained some things.” He laid a hand on Duane’s trembling shoulder. “I’ve been The Guardian of the forest for too long now and it’s time to join my new family.” He smiled big yellow teeth.
“What’s happened to you, Dad?” Duane thought of the film Teenwolf. “Are you a werewolf?”
Sam laughed. “No Duane … I’m a WereBigfoot … not a true Bigfoot and not exactly human. I was chosen by The Elders, as many before have, to help our tribe stay a secret and to stop their gene pool from drying up.”
“Yes, son, chosen by the lights up at The Big X. They took me to the place I can never remember, but that’s not important … what is … is you, my son … you must continue to protect the forest and its secret.”
“What secret, Dad?”
“The Bigfoot! They must never be discovered … don’t ask me why … The Elders have never thought fit to tell me … but it’s real important … but I gotta go now, Duane.” Sam shuddered and trembled. “The forest is calling me.”
Duane heard strange animal sounds echoing through the woods. “Woooo … wooooo … woooooo.”
“Am I going to change too, Dad?”
“Yes son, you are The Guardian now. The lights will tell you what to do … and your sixth sense will come in handy.”
“Sixth sense … like in the movie?”
“Not exactly, Duane …do you remember the lights?”
“You mean that time I was spying on Virgil and Lou at Little Beaver and I saw the lights? Not long after that Virgil left,” he added as an afterthought.
“You got it in one, Duane. They chose you way back then. In the pantry is some weird-tasting stuff … fermented Jooobaaa … drink it all … but not at once … it helps prepare the way. If you like you can water it down with some OJ and limejuice, makes a great cocktail. It won’t diminish its unique qualities.”
“Eh, okay Dad. Will I see you again?”
“Yeah … I’ll be dropping by now and again to see how you’re doing.” Sam kissed Duane’s cheek and dashed from the log cabin howling like a howler monkey.
About The Author
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